I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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