Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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