after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
