I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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