After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
