he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
