Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
ttyl tear gas
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
