I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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