Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
