ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
