There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
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