is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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