I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
