So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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