nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
