Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
