This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
