Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
