9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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