He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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