I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
