I think I won the penis lottery.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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