Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
