i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
