he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
