ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
