Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She bit a glass in half.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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