all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
