Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
