I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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