u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
