what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I want a musical about memes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
