then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
