we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
