Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
