Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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