she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
