Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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