There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
