I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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