If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
