Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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