I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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