I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
