So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
