good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
