Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
