my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
