ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
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Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
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I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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