i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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