I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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