I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
