alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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