so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
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Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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