:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
