I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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