I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
